Inevitably, long-term care (LTC) is becoming a rite of
passage for our parents and us due to the fact that we are living longer. I’m
sure many of you are already taking care of your parents or a spouse or seeing
your friends and family members assuming the role of primary caregiver.
Having taken care of both my parents for over 7 years, I
know that nothing stays the same. Tragic health events occur without warning. You
cannot change what happens but you can be better prepared.
That being said, having a plan for LTC is a necessity.
Having “the conversation” to create and put that plan into effect is the
pre-requisite. What exactly is “the conversation”? How do you start it? What
should be discussed?
The conversation will be different depending upon who you
are talking to.
Often times, your parents are very reluctant to divulge
information pertaining to their finances.
You may not know how much money they have put aside to take care of
themselves should an illness occur. They may not want to appear dependent in your
eyes. They have always taken care of you. Role reversal is hard for them to
come to terms with because it validates the fact that they are aging.
The one thing to bear in mind, and I found this to be true
with my own parents, is that they do not want to be a burden to you. If you take the approach that you need to
know certain information because it will make things easier for you in the
future, they tend to be more open to discussion.
To get the conversation going, ask them open-ended questions
and listen to their answers. Start by citing a LTC situation experienced by a
friend or family member. Get their reaction to it. Have they thought about how
they would like to be cared for should they become ill? The more empathy and
interest you show, the more likely they will recognize that your concerns are
genuine and that you will do your best to fulfill their wishes. By actively
listening, you can learn what is important to them which may be very different
from what you thought.
These types of conversations with parents are generally
fluid and continue over time. You will not learn everything you need to know in
one sitting. It took me three years to get my mother to the point of feeling
comfortable enough to tell me how she wanted to be taken care of and
where. The idea of moving out of her
apartment that she lived in for 54 years was frightening. But as her health changed and friends started
becoming ill, she was able to think more clearly about what was in her best
interest and relay that information to me.
When talking to your parents, don’t come armed with
brochures on assisted living facilities that you think they would enjoy moving
into. Don’t become authoritative or get tangled up in hurtful language. Most
importantly, don’t treat them like children. Even though you want to keep them
safe, you must treat them with respect.
Part of the conversation should focus on a Power of
Attorney, Heath Care Proxy and Living Will. By definition, a Power of Attorney
(POA) is a written authorization to represent or act on another's behalf
in private affairs, business, or some other legal matter. It is the most necessary
document to have in place. The Health Care Proxy will allow you to make health
care decisions for your parents. The Living Will defines what type of medical
care they would like to receive.
The LTC conversation is easier with a spouse/partner. A
level of intimacy already exists regarding finances and personal preferences. Many of you will want to plan for this risk
because you do not want to be a burden to your children or each other. By doing
so, you will lessen the emotional, social and financial consequences of a LTC
illness on your family. Your planning choices might depend upon where your
children live; how a LTC illness would affect your retirement portfolio and the
standard of living of the well spouse/partner.
The same three documents described above also need to be in place. It may be helpful to receive advice from your
attorney, financial advisor and LTC planning specialist.
Without a doubt, talking about LTC is very difficult.
Families experience many ups and downs but illness by far is the hardest and
scariest event to deal with. You cannot be in denial about LTC. It’s part of
life, a part of aging or illness. Take a deep breath and say what you want and
need to say. Only good will come of it.
